No one holds the power to hurt you. Not in their application of criticism or taunting, not in their withholding of praise. The only one who can hurt yourself is you.
When we feel as though we’ve been slighted in some way, that someone has wronged us or made us feel less than whole, what’s really happening is a reaction to a statement that contradicts our own self image—who we are and how we should be perceived.
Negative emotion arises within us because we feel the identity we have so meticulously crafted is being challenged and degraded. The sum of our life’s efforts are being cast aside in an irreverent attack on the character we consciously attempt to project and uphold each day.
In the same way that a compliment makes us feel good by affirming our constructed identity, detractions only cause an internal effect because we choose to identify with the labels we have associated with ourselves. “He’s honest,” we’ll hear. “She’s hardworking.” When we hear positive comments, we feel good. When we hear negative ones, we feel bad. “That’s a lovely shirt!” We think happily of ourselves. Because of a shirt?
For whatever momentary positive affirmation we may receive from the good opinion of others, we are setting ourselves up to be left unhappy if we perpetually cling to our social identity. Freedom comes from breaking free from these labels, from no longer identifying with anything we associate our self worth with. Freedom comes from liberation of the shackles of our ego.
“Anytime you have a negative feeling toward anyone, you’re living in an illusion. There’s something seriously wrong with you. You’re not seeing reality. Something inside of you has to change. But what do we generally do when we have a negative feeling? “He is to blame, she is to blame. She’s got to change.” No! The world’s all right. The one who has to change is you.”
— Anthony de Mello